|Not sure who I'm stealing this image from.|
Fear of everything, that seems to be my problem. Not saying that I'm all too different from anyone else in this regard, but it's pretty fucking aggravating that I have allowed it to push me this far into inactivity.
I've written a novel, and I even managed to find the courage to publish it. This was a terrifying act, of course. The idea that it might sell well was utterly horrifying; as in such a case I would be subject to attention that I detest and criticism of a kind that only the internet can offer. Of course, on the other end of the spectrum, selling absolutely no copies of my book was an equally horrifying prospect; to put my efforts out there for inspection and to receive no response would seem to be an indicator of my work's complete lack of any intrinsic value. Somehow though, I managed to get it done.
As it happens, things turned out more the latter than the former; the book has sold a staggeringly small number of copies. More frustratingly, its time in the Kindle Select program moved exactly zero. That's right, in Kindle Select, wherein they quite specifically promote my book for me and aim it specifically at people who might be interested, exactly zero people found it interesting enough to actually get a copy. It was free.
Now, I've managed to get to the point of having an audio book ready to go. Late last year I put out a call for voice actresses on reddit and received a good number of interested messages. Of those interested people, a fair percentage of them even sent readings of the book's first chapter for submission. I could only pick one of them of course, and I decided to work with Rebecca Bedford. She's been wonderful to work with, and her enthusiasm for the book has been incredibly helpful.
Yet I'm at a point now where fear brings it all, once again, to a grinding halt. If I throw the audio book out there and it becomes popular, that's horrifying. Yet of course, if the audio version doesn't move at all that is equally horrible. See, if I do nothing, then neither horrifying event can ever occur.
I have specific individuals in my life to thank for this over-riding fear that dictates so many aspects of my life. Fortunately, I've also got a tremendous amount of anger and arrogance to push through the fear. It takes a lot, mind you, but I think at the moment I'm reaching a point where I can manage to make some progress; that happens every once in a while. It's my failure, of course, to allow this fear to keep me from seeing my goals become reality. Why I'm afraid is less relevant than the fact I choose not to overcome it.
Still, at least I've managed to get this far, and I'm going to go further. By the time this blog entry posts, the audio version of my book should be up and available. It had damn well better be, anyway.